Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist

Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist
Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Md Troopers Assoc #20 & Westminster Md Fire Dept Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist
Showing posts with label Humor Political. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor Political. Show all posts

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Ordering a Pizza in 2012

February 1, 2004

(Note January 15, 2015 – I found this essay about ordering a pizza in the year 2012 the other day deep in my electronic archives. I had retrieved it on February 1, 2004. I did not write it. If you wrote it – let me know so that I may give credit to the rightful writer-owner. Then I was doing some research on the Patriot Act and I came across this image – and it made me smile - - and I thought the essay about ordering a pizza and the cartoon image about the Patriot Act easily went together….Just saying.)

Of course, as a journalist, I do have moments in which I stare at the wall and wonder… See: “Defiant on Witness Stand, Times Reporter Says Little,” By MATT APUZZOJAN. 5, 2015 http://kevindayhoff.blogspot.com/2015/01/nyt-defiant-on-witness-stand-times.html

++++++++++++++++++++

4 more years of peace through power and a strong yet somehow "funky" economy and the following may be true in 2008, not 2012

IT MAY BE COMING TO THIS BEFORE 2012

Subject: Ordering a Pizza in 2012

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.  What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.  Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.  How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."


200401 Ordering a Pizza in 2012
*****

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist | The Onion - America's Finest News Source:


NEWS IN BRIEFLocal SSUE 50•06 • Feb 11, 2014


"BROOKLYN, NY—Acknowledging that the man’s right-wing views are more nuanced than one might expect, 36-year-old liberal Diana Hardwick confided to reporters Tuesday that her conservative acquaintance Brady Daniels is, quite frustratingly, not racist."







Scribd Kevin Dayhoff: http://www.scribd.com/kdayhoff
Kevin Dayhoff's YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/kevindayhoff
Kevin Dayhoff Banana Stems: http://kevindayhoff.tumblr.com/


Humor, Humor Political, Politics Republican Conservatism,
*****

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Seniors against Obamacare

  
I received my "Obamacare enrollment packet”
2162B3EF60694B039DF1C832F20C0749

I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my  "Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.

It contained:
· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker
· A 'Bush's Fault' yard sign
· A 'Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody'  poster
· A 'Tax the Rich' banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
· And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my ass.

Everything was made in "China" and all directions were in Spanish.
Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.
*****

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Mr. Conservative: Why My Liberal Neighbors Aren’t Speaking To Me Anymore


Mr. Conservative: Why My Liberal Neighbors Aren’t Speaking To Me Anymore

January 21, 2013


I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.

’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ‘

I said, ‘Welcome to Conservatism.’ Her parents still aren’t speaking to me…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++


[20130121 Why My Liberal Neighbors Arent Speaking To Me]
*****

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Bad News from the White House

The bad news: To save the economy, on December 31, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! I started crying when I thought of you all... 

*****

Friday, September 16, 2011

World's Shortest Books

I understand that you don't have a ton of extra time to read books,  
So, I've compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting.
World's Shortest Books
 ____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________


GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
_________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
AND, JUST ADDED
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest book of them all...
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

*****

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Obama's Announcements on the Earthquake

Obama's Announcements on the Earthquake

BREAKING NEWS: August 24, 2011 - President Obama has just announced that the earthquake that affected Washington, D.C. yesterday occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line known as "Bush's Fault."  The President also announced that the Secret Service and Rep. Maxine Waters have launched an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Leading Republicans, however, dispute the President’s analysis of the quake’s origins and insist that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

*****

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Camp Politics: Training the Next Generation of Censors Since 1974





An Important Message From The Staff of Camp Politics:


Hat Tip: Clint Brown

Our mission is to train your son or daughter to win political office and then stay there - mainly by using campaign finance laws to suppress political speech that threatens their reelection.

But, unfortunately, many in the public have the absurd idea that free speech should receive the full protection of the First Amendment. One of the chief proponents of this view is the Institute for Justice. It just launched its "Citizen Speech Campaign," which it calls "a multi-state effort to restore full protection to political speech about candidates and ballot issues." If you truly care about your children's future as successful incumbent politicians, please do not allow the Institute to dissuade you from sending them to Camp Politics.

Learn more about the Institute for Justice's Citizen Speech Campaign.

http://www.CampPolitics.org

Buy your Camp Politics T-shirt today: http://iam.ij.org/bTNbXY

Cast:
Narrator: Steve Izant
Counselor: Nick Hanson
Kids: Sophia Cabana, Zachary Cabana, Nicky McBroom, Sam McBroom, Julia
Simpson, Kate Simpson, Natalie Simpson

Category:


Friday, September 10, 2010

Crayon Burning! An alternative proposed melting pot for America


Crayon Burning! An alternative proposed melting pot for America
ImageThousands of disenchanted terrorists stand silent as they watch an Al Jazeera live broadcast of the small Florida church congregation burning crayons. The whole world takes a big sigh of relief as a big misunderstanding is clarified. It seems that after all, the pastor of the Dove Church in Florida actually said they were going to burn "Crayons". A positive symbolic gesture of diversity is demonstrated as the colors all melt together like the peaceful way Americans live together, reminiscent of the original 'melting pot' of mainly European immigrants that formed the early United States of America. So on 911, if you desire to show your love for all races and tolerance for all peaceful religions living together in harmony, melt crayons together. And think to yourself... More Details...

*****