Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist

Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist
Journalist @baltimoresun writer artist runner #amwriting Md Troopers Assoc #20 & Westminster Md Fire Dept Chaplain PIO #partylikeajournalist
Showing posts with label Old folks - growing old. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Old folks - growing old. Show all posts

Thursday, May 08, 2014

HOW MANY YEARS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?

HOW MANY YEARS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
Watch your age in the upper right corner!
Kinda fun to watch your age go up and down as you  answer the questions.
Now this is interesting, give it a try.
How long will you live?
This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.
It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.
It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.
Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Bad News from the White House

The bad news: To save the economy, on December 31, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! I started crying when I thought of you all... 

*****

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head...

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it

*****

From an e-mail

Kevin Dayhoff Soundtrack: http://kevindayhoff.blogspot.com/ = http://www.kevindayhoff.net/

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Questions and Answers for old folks


From the American Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum


Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?


A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?


A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?


A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ...."


Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?


A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?


A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?


A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?


A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?


A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?


A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?


A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?


A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

*****

Kevin Dayhoff Soundtrack: http://kevindayhoff.blogspot.com/ = http://www.kevindayhoff.net/ Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://kevindayhoffart.blogspot.com/ or http://kevindayhoffart.com/ = http://www.kevindayhoff.com/ Kevin Dayhoff Westminster: http://kevindayhoffwestgov-net.blogspot.com/ or http://www.westgov.net/ = www.kevindayhoff.org Twitter: https://twitter.com/kevindayhoff Twitpic: http://twitpic.com/photos/kevindayhoff Kevin Dayhoff's The New Bedford Herald: http://kbetrue.livejournal.com/ = www.newbedfordherald.net Explore Carroll: www.explorecarroll.com The Tentacle: www.thetentacle.com

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

A.A.A.D.D.

AAADD

I got this earlier today in an e-mail. It made me laugh. I could relate.

Hat Tip: Karen Scott and Mrs. Owl

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


20090505 SDOSM A.A.A.D.D.
Kevin Dayhoff Soundtrack: http://www.kevindayhoff.net/ http://kevindayhoff.blogspot.com/
Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://www.kevindayhoff.com/
Kevin Dayhoff Westminster: http://www.westgov.net/

Friday, October 31, 2008

Forget it, old people. No more TV for you starting in 2009.

Forget it, old people. No more TV for you starting in 2009.

Hat Tip: B5

Cable PSA

Talkshow with Spike Feresten

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20081030 Forget it old people No more TV for you