Breaking NewsNovember 7th, 2006
We interrupt the national mid-term elections for the following breaking news.
Please take a seat as I’m sure you will find the following information shattering. Shattering.
World crises such as
According to MSNBC Breaking News, family values advocate Britney Spears –Well NOT!
Ah - Ms. Spears has reportedly filed for divorce from Kevin Federline.”
And of course, no pun is intended, but I guess she’s now “on the market.” So appropriate that she’s hanging in the market, since she reinvented the objectification of women.
I’m sure the announcement was put-off until the stock market closed. No word yet as to whether the market will open tomorrow.
And no word from the president as this tragic event unfolds.
Unconfirmed reports are that Howard Dean has blamed the breakup of the marriage on President Bush and the Republicans and that it is intended to discourage voter turn-out. Word is that many Democrats are disconsolate over the news and refused to go to the polls in order to watch Katie Couric for guidance at this difficult time.
Where’s Kofi Annan when we need him? Or maybe Dr. Phil?
Actually, as I sob uncontrollably and my fingers can barely navigate the keyboard, I’m not sure what to think. I’m just trying to do my patriotic duty to call this terrible event to your attention, so that you may be informed.
What’s that? Oh, my radio is now playing somber martial music at the moment. Our great nation has been thrown into a deep depression as it tries to come to grips with this terrible terrible terrible blow to our sense of who we are and what we want to be and what are we going to have for dinner.
That’s it - - comfort food. Let’s see cottage cheese? No – yogurt? I know ice cream. That’s it - - when the going gets tough, the tough reach for ice cream.
I’m sure the announcement was timed so that we may all tune in to Katie Couric so that she may tell us how we really feel - - and to comfort us in our time of grief and need and sorrow.
According to the web site, TMZ… Oh, like I really go there every day. NOT.
“Spears filed legal papers today in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing ‘irreconcilable differences.’”
“Her petition asks for legal and physical custody of their two kids, one-year-old Sean Preston and two-month-old Jayden James. Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she showed off her post-pregnancy body during a surprise appearance on ‘Late Show with David Letterman.’”
Oh yeah, like I watch Letterman - - NOT.
Go out now and lower your flags.
Okay – moving on here. I’ll think I’ll go take a nap. Wake me up when this crisis is over or until Katie Couric comes on – so that I may be informed as to how and what to think.
And – who do I sue to get the last 15 minutes of my life back?
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