20060822 Defiant mannequin arrested claims - self defense

Defiant mannequin arrested claims - self defense

Westminster, California

August 22, 2006

By Kant Betrue, Rhoiders

Chaos ensued in a local J.C. Penney Co. store recently when a rouge mannequin attacked a hapless shopper looking for the right blouse.

Police were called and sources close to the incident have reported that a mannequin was arrested at the scene and hauled off in handcuffs.

Defiant throughout the ordeal, the mannequin, (who may or may not be an android,) latter identified as Mrs. Roberto Caricature, said that she was only acting in self-defense.

The Department of Homeland Defense immediately raised the national threat level to a soft yellow-orange crèmesicle, for possible mannequin uprising activity.

According to published accounts, Mrs. Innocent Civilian, 51, “said she was ambushed by a legless female mannequin at the company's Westminster Mall store, a skirmish that left her with a bloodied scalp, a cracked tooth, recurring shoulder pain and numbness in her fingers.”

The Associated Press reports, Ms. Civilian “said the incident happened… in the women's department, as she was shopping for a blouse. The only one in her size was on the mannequin. As a salesclerk was removing the garment, the dummy's arm flew off and struck” Ms. Civilian in the head…

Ms. Civilian, of Westminster, (no relation to Isaac or Fig,) remarked that since the alleged “run-in with a store mannequin,” she has been traumatized by the incident and “something must be done with the rampant abuse of shoppers at the hands of lawless mannequins.”

The Los Angels Times reports, the “alleged attack was the latest in a string of mannequin mayhem incidents nationwide.

"There are a slew of lawsuits like this," said mannequin manufacturer Barry Rosenberg, who joked that stores should run background checks on dummies before letting them mingle with shoppers.

“Most of the cases involved mannequins toppling over onto customers, but an Indiana woman claimed she caught herpes from the lips of a CPR training dummy. She dropped her lawsuit against the American Red Cross in 2000 after further tests revealed that she didn't have the disease, according to news reports.”

Meanwhile, the mannequin, Mrs. Roberto Caricature, claims self-defense.

Seems the mannequin had a bad childhood. It wasn’t her fault.

Ms. Caricature explained loudly as she was lead away in handcuffs, that she was particular modest and had “tired of folks just taking her clothes off in public and leaving her exposed.”

“I have my rights,” she extolled, according to police reports. “People just walk to us mannequins all the time and fondle and ogle us. It’s not right I tell ya. It’s not right.”

"'My mom got beat up by a mannequin' was the joke around my house, "Ms. Civilian said.

For Mrs. Caricature, it is not a laughing matter. “Mannequins across the land are demanding our rights. We’re tired of being victimized.”

Mrs. Caricature, who claims to be an “adroidaquin,” the child of a marriage between an android and a mannequin, claims that she is tired of the abuse. “We dream of electric sheep too,” she elaborated.

The Los Angeles Times, for which it has long been suspected of being run by mindless, stateless androids, agreed. (There are no American flags in front of the building…)

“Getting roughed up by a dummy isn't a slapstick affair. The fiberglass figures can weigh as much as 100 pounds, said Rosenberg, chief executive of Mondo Mannequins in Hicksville, N.Y.

“He added that his company had been named in numerous lawsuits by retailers who themselves have been sued over dummy-related injuries.

“Mannequin maulings and litigation aren't new. In 1990, a Florida woman collected $175,000 after a faceless Macy's dummy fell onto her neck and reportedly injured a disc.

“In 1993, a Minnesota woman was knocked unconscious by a falling mannequin at a Dayton's department store, according to the Minneapolis Star Tribune. She needed five stitches and several chiropractic sessions to recover but didn't sue.

“And in 2001, a Canadian shopper in Vancouver won a $330,000 verdict after a Gap store mannequin landed on her head. Elizabeth Ball was apparently jinxed when it came to store displays. A few years earlier, while shopping at a lighting store, she was beaned by a falling chandelier, according to the Canadian Press.”

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