20070606 If D-Day were to happen today

If D-Day were to happen today - - this is how the New York Times would report it…

June 6^th, 1944 – June 6^th, 2007

This is how today’s media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free France from German tyranny:

June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY- Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded today in the first hours of America’s invasion of continental Europe.

Casualties were heaviest among women and children.

Most of the French casualties were the result of poor planning on the part of the American Forces. Artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops wrecked havoc upon innocent buildings, livestock, and civilians. The unnecessary loss of trees is greatly regretted.

Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high.

“We are dying for no reason,” said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. “Americans can’t even shoot straight. I never thought I’d say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler.”

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands.

Unsubstantiated reports indicate that an environmental impact statement had not been filed prior to the invasion and as a result, the ACLU has filed an injunction.

It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction. Several military divisions have been pulled back from the front to protect the crab.

A representative of former Vice-President Al Gore said the Democratic leadership in Congress, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised.

“This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought,” said Nevada Sen. Harry Reid (D). “And it’s all about corporate greed.” It is unconfirmed, but widely rumored that as a result of how poorly World War II has progressed, the Democratic leadership in Congress is drafting legislation to cut off funding for the war and have called for a complete withdrawal of our troops.

Former Senator John Edwards said that the president ought to have sought a diplomatic settlement with Nazi Germany. “The only solution is a diplomatic solution,” said Senator Edwards.

Contacted at her comfortable Manhattan condo, a member of New York Senator Hillary Clinton’s office said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests.

“Everyone knows the President Roosevelt has ties to big beer,” said Senator Clinton. “Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt’s beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune.”

Administration supporters said America’s aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called “atomic bomb.” Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years.

Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany.

Senator Reid’s office said that the president lied about such a weapon. “There is no such weapon,” remarked the Senator.

Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans. Mistreatment of Europeans by Germans has been rumored but so far, remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and environmentalists are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk.

“The Americans should have planned for this in advance,” a spokesperson for Speaker of the House Representative Nancy Pelosi said. “It’s their mess and we don’t intend to clean it up.”

“It’s obviously the president’s war,” said Senator Clinton.

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God Bless our great country. We owe much more than we will ever be able to repay to our men and women in uniform on those God forsaken beaches so many years ago.

Note: Some of this material is not my original material – although, I do not know who originally wrote it… I received the bulk of this a number of years ago, I brought it up, dusted it off, and updated it. For those in need of a second cup of coffee, this is a spoof…)